Goodnight 28...Good morning 29 :)

So it’s about 2 hours before my 29^th year on mother earth begins.

Do I feel older?

Uhmm

Neeeh.

Wiser?

I feel like Methuselah yo. I learnt things I didn't think were possible. I soared heights I didn't know existed. I hit depths I didn't think possible and I’m really thankful to God for it was a good year…On a scale of 1-10, "WE" ROCKED A 7!

A lot happened with me this year…This year, I had an “spiritual awakening”. Some kinda mini break :D down. No I never felt like committing me-cide. I came quite close to wringing some necks…none mine.

For those who saw it and were there for me (…some of which don’t know this here joint exists though lol), I want to say thank you.

For those who didn’t understand and thought I was just being an asshole, I wanna say, I understand. We’re still family :)

 

In the last few weeks, I’ve had all kinds of emotions coursing through my body.

High. Low. Low. High again and posting countdowns on twitter lol

Pre-Birthday jitters. lol

I feel great! Happy. Proud. Thankful :) 

I’m ready to walk through that door and actually “Live” my life for once. I’m willing to shed my “workaholic” badge and see what life could be like outside of work.

I’ve realized, albeit in my old age (lol) that… I don’t remember what I realized. sigh. Dem plenty.

Lol

Okay I remember: I've finally accepted the fact that I can not help everyone and that I need to start helping meself. I need to start thinking of me. I’m going to be less stressed this year. I fully intend to relax more. 

Swim

Play Tennis

Write

Sew

Whatever makes me gay…Imma do it with reckless abandon and I mean it this time. I really do.

I wanna say thank you to those who still read this blog, despite all. It surprises me to comments still.

I have no excuse. Things should get better. Promise.

Right.

I’m off to my pre-birthday parteyyyyy *WOOP WOOP* 

Lemme just say this before I go:

 

Dear 28,

You were a sport and *In Sarah McLachlan’s voice*  “I will remember you….” but it’s unto the next.

Love,

Me.

This is to my last year as a twenty-something-year-old :D 

**Clink**

**winks**

Off to boogey down!

Peace!


--
xx


Please blame GEJ for any errors. It's almost my birthday joo. Cut a girl some slack :p

To Mom and Dad!

 Music: Semi Colon - Slim fit Maggie

   On this day 30 years ago, a certain Gem said "I do!" to a certain E.E.

On this day in history, they had a big wedding.

The dress still hangs in Gem's closet...Tulle and Satin mix yellowed with age...Sterling silver tiara's still good as new...

The marriage...The marriage has received it's own fair share of blows...It has hit a few air-pockets and has come into it's own.

Gem and E.E.? Still crazy about each other...

Today it's their 30th Wedding Anniversary.

30!!



I'd have loved to send them to somewhere exotic...somewhere they could just RELAX and forget their 5 chilluns who can actually take care of themselves (We never grow up with our parents....sigh)

In time...In time...



Anyways, for now, I'm raising my glass...

  

...to the bestest parents EVER...Mazeltov!!

--

XX

P.S.

Yeah they had me exactly 10 days short of a year later :D 

P.P.S.

....and yeah...I'm sipping wine at work. Bite...and apple :D 

Post-Post-Post Note: 

This post was written yesterday...for some strange and sadly, incomprehensible reason, I didn't post it. Thanks for reading :) 

Touching base...

Eyes smarting.
Bones tired.
Spirit vexed by a certain obnoxious humanoid.
Feeling the beginnings of what might be a fever :(
Trying hard to keep my eyes open long enough to say for this moan-fest...a quick hello...

...and a goodbye.


Warm regards,



---
XX



Let's "talk" soon :)

Randomery...I think :|

Darling Ladies and Gentlemen who still come this way and actually read my...stuff...sigh, how are y'all this lovely December morn?

I present to y'all my lame attempt at writing something here...I ask your forgiveness in advance if it isn't worth your 2 minutes. I must warn however: There's more where this is coming from :|


So here:

No Title (Forgiveness)

How can I be
when all you are is what you are?
Inert.

How can I exist
when all that I am is all that was slayed?
Dead.

How can I feel
when all that I am is all that was purged?
Numb.

How can I muse
when all that I am is all that is isolated?
Alone.

How can I forsee
When all that I am is all that was screened?
Jaded.

How can I heed
When all that I am is all that was misread?
Muddled.

How can I breed
When all that I am is all that was flawed?
Twisted.

How can I be hallowed
when all I am is less than I should be and all
that I should be may have been lost

to time and space and impulse.
Done with.

-
Herself



Y'all have an awesome week!
--
XX


In other news, it's my birthday in 25 days :D :D

"I have Issues." - Tin Lizzie

On a call I received a while ago...and other related akuko:


I don't think I've met anyone who hasn't one had a period in their life when everything was stormy and tumultuous... when it seemed that the devil came out to play... with all his demons and their relatives...whereby you felt like you were smack in the middle of a major hurricane and whereby the said hurricane left you in a state that can only be likened to a shipwreck without dry land or even an empty lighthouse in sight....whereby you were at the point where you just wanted to tear something down while screaming banshee-like "Are we there yet?"

**Thinking**

No. I haven't.

Okay maybe not. Maybe not everyone has had it that bad. However, surely most people have been at that low point in their lives where they thought they couldn't possibly go any lower? Therefore, tumults and storms are part of the package  called "Vie", oui?

Tau.

That's settled then.

So! That brings me to a certain micro-analysis on dealing with "issues":

1. Some people actually take this period "well". Wear a mask and pretend "all is well". They even say it to themselves several times a day just to keep the smile in place...then they go back to their beds at night and actually witness the sun's majestic migration to the east.

2. There's a certain group of humanoids who deal with their own storms by attempting to drown them in all kinds of substances...or activities, either to  temporarily and dull their senses to suffering and pain...or to murk up their minds so that they have that (albeit fleeting) luxury of not being "present" enough to dwell on their "woes". I know. I belonged to this group for a wee while.

3. Others just take a running job. These are professional racers. Some were born, others made...by circumstances. Unfortunately, I was born this, i'd rather run to the land of far far away than look a storm in the face. There's a part of me that still wants to be this...Its far easier. No baggage. No attachments. No worries.

BULL CRAP.

Yeah, I know. I was born this, remember? It's a survival technique that does f&@kall for your relationship with the human race.

~See with these three kinds of sufferers, they're still steeped crown-deep in their worries. Their techniques haven't nicked their wahala 'coz whatever it is, still resides in their minds full time.~

4. Now, there's a curious group of sufferers who just take these occurrences in their lives as a fate which they cannot avoid and bestride their super-storm like a colossus and actually live happily...genuinely. >>FAITH<< Fighting through 'em hail of stones and falling trees to save them.

See, I moved house. I think imma be here permanently. The rent is good. My days of yo-yoing maybe are over.

Yup.

I've also learnt to travel in a barouche with my storm. That way, he's right in front of me and I know what he's up to at every point. When we eventually get to his stop, he'll get off. It's not easy,b but it's usually worth it. This is what the Bible calls the "anchorage of the soul" and "...however severe the storm that sweeps over the earth, the soul that shelters there is safe." (I read this somewhere..)

I'm currently honing the art of concerning myself with finding out why Mr Storm E. Weather showed up in my life in the first place...There's usually a good reason. A lesson to be learnt.

Sometimes I write about it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I even write about it in my thoughts. lol. I have whole posts in my head. They just never make it here. Or there. This is how I know to deal with the "its". Luckily, I have the gumption to speak...write about my worries and fears even if it's to a sounding board that'll never talk back. lol


So, Dear XA, No I'm not having a breakdown. That ship sailed already. Thanks for asking though :) As long as I'm on this path, I'll be A-okay :D


Okay. I know I'll still race from a few more things before Armageddon. It's in my nature. First instinct and shiiii...However, the rules have changed somewhat. I won't just balk and run. It has to be the last item on the list of "Ways to go".






Right.

Now that we've got that off the cranium, we'll just get back to a certain quasi-dissertation.


--
xx


One more thang:

Vulnerability isn't weakness.

Selah.

Random Sunday: Of Grammar and Resignations.

Hehehehe

Hallos y'all :)
How's it going this sunday?

I'm at the point were my sides are aching from laughter and I just thought I'd share lol
See, I was going through my old mails...i'm talking 12-13 years ago.

Some nostalgic stuff. Pen Pals...Boyfriend...Toasters...sigh...The jokes. lol. One of the jokes is responsible for this post.A friend of mine sent it to me in 'O5 and lawdy...

Just read:

Hello guys, 

Below is a resignation letter I stumbled across. There would have been nothing to it but this letter was actually bearing a signature of approval.

Here it goes:

Dear Sir,

RESIGNATION LETTER

Tribute, gratitude and steadfast to uplift the company edge, waxing stronger and reference to development in education and knowledge; and for the completion of the course of study period 2003 to 2005 as a marketing student under the department of business and communication at the polytechnic Ibadan HND.

And in order not to vituperate the ethnic, absentism and maverick to the duty, I hereby disburse my thwart.

Thanks

Source undisclosed for obvious reasons.

Sigh

Y'all have an awesome Sunday...Okay...enjoy what's left of it :) 

xx

Rules? What rules?

*Clears throat*

I refuse to get used to the apparent fact that the apparent average distance between my posts is 4 weeks. Apparently outrageous but i'm not giving up.

Anyways, I have the strongest urge to scribble so, here I am. I hope it all makes sense in the end. I'm not sure what's happening to me. In geek terms, this is what I get when I try to reach me:

Unable to Locate Host.

I'm not sure if the Host server is down or If the "Intranet" connection is lost...or if there's something I'm doing incorrectly. Oh well, Whatever happens, I'll find out....sooner hopefully.

Anyways, back to today's rant. It's a topic I'm passionate about and I thought i'd just drop my 2 pence in the offering box and be on my way. 

Okiedokes.

See, the intention of this post is not to impugn the laws of relationships. No. The intention is to chuck the hell out of them (even if the writer has Ph.D after their name)...and this is my humble opinion so feel free to chuck 'em at any point 'cause...

sigh

Moving on...

All these relationship tips and rules...."Ten rules to get him to love you...15 rules for dating workaholic...5 ways to get him to put a ring on it in 6 weeks or less..." etcetera etcetera etcetera...They're driving me nuts!

You think you can just read up a few books, listen to a few myopic views (That's what they are, like it or not, most people write from personal experience) snap your fingers and play the mating game?

I was talking with someone that belongs to a certain (sad) school of thought who believe that "If he doesn't call you at least 3 times daily, sisteh, he aint into you. Forget that texting ish. If he likes you, he's gonna wanna hear your voice more than once a day!"

I've heard this so  many times and I'm thinking "Wahts ghet ab, brethren?"

FOCUS!

Personally, if I were seeing a guy, I'd probably not call him that much...and that's a guy I'm totally INTO! I may text the hell outta him...Or IM...or just send random, sometimes totally random pictures...So I think I've kinda sorta squashed that rule....oh shoot! I'm a girl. **scoffs**


Anyways, same goes for all the other blighted rules of engagement as far as relationships are concerned. Who makes these blighted rules anyways? Some of them stink right up to the firmament. (Long market woman hiss)


In my very short life among mortals, I have heard quite a few outrageous "rules" or "tips" (Someof which I tried when I was younger and stupid-er) and I'll share some of them here:

One of my favorites -
"If a guy makes eye contact with you and keeps it locked for a few moments and then (wait for it), smiles, he's totally hitting on yo' azz!"

Hello? In my myopic personal opinion slash Experience slash Vicarious experience, YOU PROBABLY LOOK LIKE SOMEONE HE KNOWS...He probabbly wants to ask if you're Alex's sister because "..the resemblance is uncanny!"

Here's another crazy rule:
"You cannot tell a guy you like him coz he gon' think yo azz is a cheap farm tool."

Check this: A woman finds a guy she likes, she send him all the signals in the book...No dice. See, I'm not talking stalker crazy chica or gold digger types. i'm talking for reals. She's only looking for love...and now she's stuck in a rut. She can't tell the negro (a causasian or whatever rocks yer boat) that she likes him "...coz the rule say so" That poor woman may have lost the love of her life to that sad, sad rule.

Oh gee! This one is a favourite among the menfolk and it cracks me up more than a tad bit:
"If she's "too nice" to you, she's totally gonna bed yo azz!"

smhvvv...Yeah! She may be hitting on you...OR NOT. Have you thought of the tiny possibility that maybe you've been placed high above the f&%k-buddy-zone to the prestigious "friend-zone"...or the balanced I-see-my-future-kids-in-you-zone...Think about it before y'all end up like a couple of people I know who married other people (and are both utterly miserable) after dancing around each other for long years of "f&%K-Buddy"ship. Pitiful situation. (Yes, I see just how one sided this is. Aren't you tired of seeing the other side?)

Let me just say here: Not every girl who smiles at you would like to sleep with you.
Selah.

Moving on some more.

IMHO, if you're willing to take all  the relationship advice you've heard and read over time, then you, my darling, don enter one-chance roller-coaster...in which one of two things may happen: You may end up giddy with excitement and fulfillment or...uhmm...remember that puke-fest scene in Problem child 2? Youp Youp! (#NoVicO btw) You probably will end up with vomit all over your mac-finished face, dear lady or your absolutely fabulous self, my fine young man and that's not all.


No. That may be all.


Don't get me twixtid. There are some tell tale signs that a guy's a cad or that a girl is just with you because your brother won't get with her...or that the dude totally digs yo azz....or some other crazy shyt like that. There are sure signs. It's these superfluous rules I have issues with.

Since when did we need laws to love? laws and procedures are dumb. In My Humble Opinion (Recovering Opinionista. Pardon me.) they ensure you don't need to think for yourself..."if this happens, then this gives..." bull-dung...and I say this in the most christian manner.

A really wise man (Barry Schwartz, I think) once said and I quote: "moral skill is chipped away by the over reliance on rules that deprive us of the opportunity to improvise and learn from our improvisations..."

It made a lot of much sense then as he was talking about life in totallement...It does now that I think of in relation to relationships. The top and bottom line are: There are no rules! Let me rephrase: THERE SHOULD BE NO RULES. Let's face it: some of these so called rules work across board and sometimes...more times than we care to let on, some of these rules work at cross purposes with the peculiarities of our various relationships. 

Relationships aren't classical music. They, in fact, should be like jazz, where you look at the notes and yet improvise...that's the flavour. (Barry {i think} is a very wise man)


Like I said earlier, I always like to give my myopia voice so feel free to disagree.


--
xx




P.S
I'm still gonna write that letter...it's supposed to be a confession...One crazy weekend...Uhmm ...sigh. Let's just say I'll put that one under "Plan never-ever-think about-it". *ZIP*


P.P.S
I have a blog that has been comatose for getting on to 3 years now...what am I gonna do with me?




Cognitive itch: Michael Franks - Monkey See, Monkey Do

Re: 30 Letters - "Words, Wide Night"

*sweeps cobwebs*

Hey y'all.

How's it going? I know I know.
I'm alive an well and I will come here for as long as I still can.
Okay! I promised I would do the letter challenge so here I am. Slight problemos...just teeny-tiny snags:

1. I ain't starting from Day 1 (I cheat once in a while :D)
2. I'll cheat a little more than little...yes.


I must warn you, it's just a few words from a scatterbrain. That said, here we go:

DAY 19 — Letter to someone that pesters your mind—good or bad


Hey ya,

I would never dream of saying this to you...ever! I love our palship, dearest buddy of mine and I don't wanna ruin it. Everything I wanna say to you, imma keep in my heart because I'd rather have your friendship.

See, I was reading some poetry tonight an one of them poems struck a nerve. It almost said all I want to say to you...all I probably will never say (Never saying never. Who knows?)

It's a poem by Carol Ann Duffy...and here goes:


Words, Wide Night by Carol Ann Duffy

Somewhere on the other side of this wide night
and the distance between us, I am thinking of you.
The room is turning slowly away from the moon.

This is pleasurable. Or shall I cross that out and say
it is sad? In one of the tenses I singing

an impossible song of desire that you cannot hear.

La lala la. See? I close my eyes and imagine the dark hills I would have to cross
to reach you. For I am in love with you

and this is what it is like or what it is like in words...


Yessir massa. Indeed I am. I really truly can't take my mind off you...funny huh?

I told myself it was never going to happen...Not with someone like you...I'm strong...I'm ready for whatever...sigh...I wasn't ready for this, trust me. It was sprung upon me.

"This is pleasurable. Or shall I cross that out and say it is sad?" 

 It is actually sad. Why??? Because, my dear, this tiny little piece of information will die hither. In this letter. This letter that you probably may never see...

So! Since I can't accept what you're wont to offer, I have to ask you to get out of my dreams :(  Oh yes...Since you aren't aware, I shall help in that regard.



Yours truly,
.X.




*****
Some bum magnet stuff.
This is probably a mistake. lol. Anyhoos, I'm posting it. Sigh. I don't know if I can continue fa...heavy sigh...this took so much. Wistful sigh...If I will, the Next letter will be: Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

-
xx

 

For the sake of clarity...Write a letter.

Wandering semi-demi aimlessly around blogville recently, I saw this on Bumight's space. I figured I'd try. I hope it doesn't end up like the 30 day challenge I started and managed just 5 days of...sigh...I need to focus. This looks like "way to go!" material so! I shalt try it.


Here's how it works:

WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror



NB:

One of my favorit-est people got hitched this Saturday :D Happy married life T&T...Lotsa love...and Children :D

Something unclear...

From age 13 till about my 19th, "When I fall in love" was my favorite Dion tune. I believed that true love happened once in  life time and that one mustn't screw it up.

I was very foolish.

I say this because close to 10 years after nursing this...this startlingly foolish idea (Harnessed, of course, by the volume of M&B novels I'd ingested, digested and Assimilated), I have finally come to the conclusion that one can love as many times as one's heart allows. One can love so little...one can love so much. One can find love whilst "in love". One's heart CAN and WILL play that crazy game with one even when one knows it ain't shit.

See, Twas my first in University when I "fell in love" the first time.

May I quickly say here:
* That is discounting the love I had for RMD before he married Jumobi Adegbesan right in front of my very before...I forgive him though....I was very young. I'd have married her  too :(

* That is also discounting the love I still have for Davor Suker and it wasn't just because he could score goals from the bloody midfield! I recently fell head over heels all over again for his salt and pepper crown *swoon*

* This document must also discount the love I had for Hritik Roshan....'s Eyes!


Okay. I think I'm done with the discounts.

Like I was saying jare, I fell in in love in my first year...I'm not sure if it was his voice on the radio (We co-presented a campus type show back then....yeah) Or if it was his seeming irreverence...Or his brains...or the fact that I just wanted to be in love because my friends were all "in love"....

Sigh

One of them even had a boyfriend who came on to me...El Stupide told me he was actually using my friend to get to me.

Twat.

So, as I was saying, I "fell in love" with P.O.Y. (To be referred to as P. in the rest of this here document :p). In retrospect, I think I was in love with the idea of being in love. I know now because, looking back, I see gazillions of reasons why I should've sang out loud "That's it! I quit! I'm moving on!" but the idea of not being in love was nothing short of...daunting.

Sigh.

Have I said I was young and stupid? Oh I have. Shyt.

Right.

I fell out of love with P. See, I tried to make it work. I took all there was to take without looking like I dropped from the firmament. It got to a point where I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I walked...Or so I thought because now I realize I had him in my head and It took all of 4 years to get him out. (His phone number's still adamant though :s) At some point, the thought of a man in my life for longer than 2 weeks became a long, winding thing.

'Twas that bad. People thought we were going to get married. Heck, some blighters still ask after him. I've stopped thinking "'dahell???" It's such a waste of emotions.

I digress.

Digress from what exactly seems to be the question....hmmmm...

At this point, I'll have you know that this post was started all of 2 months ago and I really, truly have forgotten exactly how I got here. However, from the scrap title, I think I have a general idea where I wanted it to end.

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT???


Very little.

For a relationship to work, love is the topping. Y'all need to find a rhythm.
What works for us...This particular combination of You and I? That should be the question. Love matters but it takes sacrifice...compromise to keep ANY relationship working especially romantically inclined ones.

Sacrifice from both parties. Like 50:50???

Hell neeeeh.

One person. Uno. Un. Ofu onye. Okan. daya. It could come to 60:40 or 80:20 but it depends on one person. Gaskiya, In my opinion, (Feel free to opine differently...or Not.) I sincerely believe that in the end, it takes one person to decide for LOVE to work. Some of us are engineered to be that one person...

sigh.

My mind's in a tizzy...

...of all these things, the greatest is love

Yo Yo!

What's crackkkking?
I found this while I as aimlessly surfing last week. Okay. I wasn't aimlessly surfing. I was surfing for materials for my radio show. It's an Omnibus-esque show. 6 hours. WORK. phewww. Need I say that this last weekend, I slept for close to 9 hours straight. Did not stir, consciously or semi-consciously. Prolly stirred unconsciousy...Drat. I digress. I stumbled upon this text and I thought I'd share.
Seems like a great read to start le week on so, here goes:


**************************************************************

Look at yourself.
You are human.
You are beautiful.
You can be anything.
You can be everything.
Do not think no one loved you, or you were made to feel fat, thin, stupid...worthless.
Do not feel sad about things beyond your control.
Don't hang on to painful memories.
Don't be afraid to let go.
Don't waste your life on those that are not worth your time.
Forgive those that hurt you.
Stop taking things for granted.
Live for yourself.
Fall in love.
Fall out of love.
Always ask questions.
Don't be afraid to show how you really feel.
Create. Imagine. Inspire. 
Make something beautiful.
Make someone's day.
Follow your dreams.
Follow the stars.
Live your life to its full potential.
Live your life with passion and vigour.
Just live.
Don't look back with regrets.

Trust me, If you don't love yourself or have respect for yourself, all this will mean diddlysquat to ya. Right. That said, I'm done. I don't remember if there was a title now....I'll find out and post a title...and the link.


Y'all have a blessed week.



Cos X say so :D




--
xx

(Un)Finished Business

(In totally unrelated akuko) I just realized I never really did finish "The Untitllable" series...Now going through them again made me realize how much those days....taught me (I think I said somewhere that the stories were faction :P) most of it, fact, others embellished :-)


Don't hate. Celebrate :P


....and now back to our regular scheduled programme. 


I've been introspectin'....seem to be doing that a lot these days. Yah. I'm getting old...Okaaay. Like I was saying, I've been thinking....and i've come to the conclusion that there is always that one person you love in your lifetime who becomes the definition of love for you. This is the person who will always be the benchmark for what you expect from or require of a mate. The person whose character will always and forever be the set mark that informs your selection of the "significant other" for the rest of your natural life (consciously or unconsciously),

The person may not be different from anyone else...or like in my case (Kyrie Eleison...) this person could be the most extraordinary humanoid you've met in thy entire life and for a very long time (in my case, even now...to some extent), may define how you feel about every bloke/girl you meet.

Honestly, This Person was my idea of what everybody should be. Male and female alike.

{Clarification: He wasn't my first love. Second actually - the one Dolly P wrote "I will always love You" for. My first love was a...never mind. He was "all that" at some point so... :|}

Anyways, It finally hit me that I (Unconsciously) made comparisions with subsequent love interests and when this potential object of my affection didn't pass the "examination", I suddenly found myself balking. It happened more times than I care to remember and it was their fault at the time. I can see clearly now.

Chai. My life.


"First cut is the deepest" na ogbonge lie. Sometimes you dont even need a cut. It's really the most complex thing. Love. Complexity.

I realized that I've came to love many things that he symbolized...Unconsciously...Some unforgotten conversations...movies...memories...Books read together...Places visited...memories...That One Special Kiss....memories...memories....It was real honest love and when it required letting go, I'm glad I let go...kai, but mehn, love is the ultimate pupeteer yo.


Sigh


I gats let go of 'em unreasonable "parameters" and embrace a different kind of love...abi what's the moral of this story??



--
xx




 P.S.
This is just one of those mushy posts I started eons ago that suddenly became relevant...for different reasons...It didn't quite end like I thought it would last year when I started writing it. In fact, me this year is pointing and laughing at me last year...sigh...this is an entire pile of incomprehensible bunkum...sigh...Hopefully one of these days, Mutabaruka will come out of hibernation and write something fraught with creativity.

Fraught. Hmmmmm. There is hope.



P.P.S
Biko, love isn't overrated. That's baldderdash.
Who's rating by the way?

Of 11 questions and 33 plus answers...

Here I am.

2000-and-late as ever, it's time for my own version of the 11 questions thingy. Seems to be on every blog i've perused recently...And since i'm itching to keep this space glowing, here goes:


Eleven things about me:

1. Read Here. There's more than you need :)

2. That is all :)


So the first set of questions I'm answering are from Toinlicious' via the PETprojects.

Here goes:

1. Last book I read:
"Making Words Of Love For Lovers of Words" by Evan Morris...and I am a lover of love and words...great read. Trust me.

2. If I could listen to any song for the rest of my life..
I'd have issues choosing....however, for the purpoe of this meme, "Smile" by Charlie Chaplin it is.


3. Countries visited asides from my awesome country Nigeria would be...
NONE! Except Republique du Benin and the Cameroons count! To think I love traveling...sigh...things to do before I'm 30 :D (Make more moneyyyyyy is number 1 by the way)


4. If I could have any job in the world with all the resources I need....
I would be a what I am now...Amazing opportunity to impart...


5. Why do I blog?
I started cos I just wanted to spew the stuff going on in my head and in  my life...a getaway...or a sounding board like i named it...then Myne Whitman allowed me write real stuff


6. How old am I?
Read my 28th December Posts :P (Aye, Aye Cap'n)


7. My favourite part of the opposite sex - I'll go with the PETprojects here - that would be the brain....I believe i've said this before...


8. When was the last time I had relations?
I still have relations. All kinds of...The OKAY, The BADASS and the totally "UNCOOLTH"!


9. My least favourite food would be...
SUSHI? Why would anyone wanna eat raw effing fish??


10. Do I have any pets?
Youp Yuop! My doggy. His name's Adre....Adrenaline :)


11. One thing I have been dying to tell you?
Uhmmm....nada.



...And now to questions by DHK -Daughter of Her King ...


1)What hairstyle are you currently rocking?
Kinks...Yah...Nothing's changed.

2)How long did you spend in primary school?
6 years

3)What is your naughtiest moment ?
Hmmmmmm Chai. mba. the time never reach to share that info. Infact, I may never share. sorrryyyyy :p

4)How do you express your anger?
I don't. I take long Walks. Or cry.

5)What would you spend your last penny on?
Books...

6)When was the last time you treated yourself to a niceeeeeee warm food?
4 hours ago...Eba and Bitter Leaf soup garnished with snail and okporoko and...are you h-u-a-ngry yet?

7) Who was the last person you said  "I love you " to?
Wow. I don't remember...Oh! My baby brother. (sheeks...Dude is 19 :|)

8) What is your favourite take away dish?
Does sharwama count as a dish?

9) How do you eat in public?
Anything available...depending on the kinda food though.

10)Do you polish your shoes?
Not myself. I hate polishing...and Ironing...just saying

11)What are your thoughts on after life?
I'm working on spending it in Heaven.


....And finally, SNM's:

1. Who started this thing biko?
Ajuju.


2. What drives/motivates/pushes you in life?
The insurmountable drive to outdo myself.


3. If you could pick one place on earth to be at the moment you answer this question, who/where will it be?
Anywhere i'm loved without judgement.


4. What is your favourite blog, top blog online (Don’t lie, God is watching you)
They (blogs I follow) all represent something for me. so, none in particular.


5. If God were to close his eyes for 10 hours and grant you a hall pass, what would you do with it?
Hmmmmmmmmm...There'll be some blood on the rocks...


6. What makes you happy? (If you tell me God, I will swear for you. I said what, not who)
Calm down biko. *side eye* Making people happy.


7. Do you have a daughter? If yes, how old?
Do my sisters count? I mothered those chicas :|


8. Would you let your daughter marry my son?
Would you let your daughter marry my son?


9. What is the one thing you wish for more than anything else?
To be deliriously happy.


10. At a scale of Hulk to worker ant, what do  you do when you are angry?
Tiger. Nuff said.


11. What is your favourite animal?
Dogs




I'm exhausted.

Phewwwww.



Okay. I'm outta here.



--
XX

The Bitter Truth...or so

Do you notice how we sometimes convince ourselves that that person is interested in us, when in reality they haven't noticed us? You know how there's always the disappointment when it dawns on you that they're completely unaware of your existence..In that way? That you've been ZONED....and not just friend-zoned...I hear people are being Dog-zoned :|

You know what's worse? When they tell you...In words or even deeds.

Just like you, (Yes you) I've been led to believe (by my mind...) that me and this person have a special relationship...and that somehow things mean more between us than they do...Then ((((((BOOOOOOOM!!!!!))))))) As always (maybe not always) He brings me back to earth. I crash land. Then it hits me:

HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU.

The funny thing is, I know how to move on fast. Doesn't mean I wasn't into the person or anything...it just means that I'm built like that. I'm a natural born racer. For racers, physically moving on is a given. It's something we do instinctively. 


The trigger for this post happened 2 nights ago when I got of the phone with one of my closest friends...Let's call him X (It's just a loan...There's only one X :D) In the beginning, remember how people thought we were an item way back.

I remember how we'd hang out at my house (...and give my uncle's ulcers :D)...or at the cybercafe his family ran a few houses from mine...or just walking almost every evening...sharing feelings and true intentions...for our future.....separately. I knew his girlfriend. I was his shoulder they broke up. I was the go between when he was pining for my friend...

I remember my 18th birthday, X took me to a music store and bought me 18CDs...he said each one was for each year...And the day i told him I thought his denims were a beaty, he took me to where he got em and got me a copy (Yah...Tomboy and shiii. Don't Judge Me.) I was his TOMMY and he was my....well, girlfriend.

We were best friends. We had the same interests.

Music. Computer games. Movies. Books.

He called me his brother....And i called him my sister (loool) It was me he told when he landed a job in one of the multinational food coys. It was him I told when I got my first kiss.

Those were the days...what we shared was profound and life made total sense...until one day.

He'd just redone his apartment (to which I had a key :|) and since I was on holiday, I went a-visiting (If you read this, Chicken, yeah, ah sed it. A-visiting :p) and there he was playing a video game with his cousin. There, also, draped on one the sofas, was a mutual friend (whom we'd yabbed wellllllll) whom he later told me was his girlfriend. I'm like "duuuuuuuuuude! HERRRR????? You can do better nahhh."

I found out later that it wasn't about the girl...I found out that i was actually screaming at the top of my lungs....in my head of course: "duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!!!! I DEY INVISIBLE????"

The thought gnawed at me through out that week and so in one stupid unguarded moment, i sent him an SMS.

It said: "I'm cutting the bullshit and I'm going straight to the point. The way I like you now? There's nothing sisterly about it. I'm not telling you this so that we start a relationship or anything. I just thought you should know."

Shet. Who does that??

I remember that day with a shudder. lol. The moment I pressed send, I called my sister and told her. She said. "Shit." Ya, my thoughts precisely.

He replied my SMS.

Yuop Youp.

"OK."

That's what i got.

Me said: Yah. An 8 year relationship and this is how you botch it.


We didnt speak to each other for 1 Year. One day, out of nowhere, his number appeared on my phone. He was calling. We just talked like nothing happened and the SMS was just a figment of my imagination and that the 1 year hiatus was just me, paranoid.

We resumed our friendship with him introducing me as his female brother and us trading war stories et al...Yeah...War stories....I guess we figured things out within the time frame...I guess all conflicts come together in the end.



4 years after that, I think I did it again.

I met someone last year. I believe i talked about it here at some point. We clicked. We talked about everything. EVERYTHING. For me that's the ultimate turn on. mmmmm hmmmm...we'd be on the phone for eons...our BBM conversations were never ending.
We were friends...and I have few of those.
(My definition: A friend is he with whom you can think aloud.)


One day, I was going on set and there was no telling when i'd be out so i told him to send me something nice...Something i'd see when I got of work. The man sent me the most beautiful note i'd ever recieved (via BBM ofkes) That did me...then I had to relocate to another state to work. Let's just I got friend-zoned.

I guess LDRs aren't everybody's thing. (i really wanted to add "lol" back there...) Leaves me wondering though...did I dream it all up? Maybe I did...Maybe I was the one floating all along in a fantasy land believing that deep down we get each other, need each other...had each other. I saw a connection and meaning in places where they probably didn't exist.

I was probably living out a dream that I probably created in my head...nothing more than an illusion.



LMBBAAO.



What a doofus.


What?

Not me.
The girl who keeps falling for your kind.
Yeah, You.
I know you'll read this.
When you do, I want you yo know that...I wish nothing but the best for you.


--
xx




Damn....I should've known. He thinks Elvis and The Beatles are a pile of crap. Oh well...
I'm done. Twice is enough, don't you think?

Error 502...

"Of the thirty-six ways of avoiding disaster, running away is always best." - Anon

I usually (Okay, I at least try to...) write things that have touched my heart, caught my eye, held my attention, left my mind wandering, my heart longing and my body in spasms...left me gasping for air...sometimes in anger at others and other times in self-chastisement.

There are certain things in life that are better off unknown....things I wish I'd never asked, never saw, never heard or never even felt. These can't labelled "regrets"

Naah...Never in my case.

sigh

The things that lie deepest in our hearts are really the hardest to say....half the time, these are things that need to be said. For clarity...Sanity even.

wistful sigh.

A word that may aptly describe me right about now would be that moody and listless...lethargic (Maybe?) this thing in my mind that won't let go...this feeling of...I can't quite put it together...looks like loneliness...it never quite leaves me....Well, it leaves and then comes back...it just stays inside me.

Trust me I've tried expunging...and don't get it twisted: Isolation doesn't bother me at all...Being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. You can be with people and still be lonely: I've achieved it several times...effortlessly too.

My days..

One moment, I'm quiet and still...Next thing, I'm bubbly. One moment I'm laughing my gonads sore and the next my tear ducts seem to kick into maximum overdrive without consulting me...I'm probably the most cynical and pragmatic yet positive type person I know and When I love, I love without reservation, without question but with both feet on the ground...Pragmatist.

The flip-side is, when I walk, you and everything you represent are dead to me. Too sensitive. I don't know any other way to handle hurt than to walk away. I'm cowardly like that. Besides, tis better to end than to mend.

I have been hurt and I (May) have hurt but I am aware that I have so much still to learn...about life...and love...

sigh

I can decide how I spend my time, with whom I interact, whom I share my time, my body...my life. I can choose what I can read and eat and how I'm going to regard and deal with my life as i know it.

I know I'm responsible for my actions. I know what I want and I do not want to be bound to any ideology. I know that I can determine my own fate and keep myself grounded and focus because I can't let God....or myself down. So I guess I owe it to myself to pull me off Le Depresso Boulevard.  

This has gone on long enough...but I know I will be fine.




--
XX


P.S.
I seem to have forgotten the direction I wanted this post to go....Hence the title...This is to hoping that you'll make some sense out of this....ramble...

Forgive me. Service is temporarily overloaded. 



Cheers



xx

....iary

Ok so i've been toying with the idea of doing a post.

seriously....I have witnesses.

Started an audioblog. No show.
Planned a vlog sef. No dice.
I get home every evening and power my laptop and will my self to write something. Anything.

Nothing.

I just don't understand this love-hate relationship between  my brain and my body. They can't seem to reach an agreement on working terms....You know? Terms of working together...Shyt.

I just wanted to write something. Is that too much to ask?

sigh

Living has been bitter-sweet. Work's been alright. A few changes in my usually relaxed schedule. I used to resume at about 3pm and knock off at midnight. Now I have extra On-Air hours. Annoying shyt but manageable.

Another curious thing: The feet are already itching to...conquer new frontiers.
I'm still praying for direction.
I hope I find one soon.

There's so much to write about...I just need my processors (read: Brain) working properly. They're not working optimally.

Someone thinks I need a vacation.
You know, I haven't had a vacation in 4 years. I left a job and walked right into another. No time in between. Whacky shyt huh? And now, my day off is no longer sufficient. Serious third world issue.

Don't get it twixxtid: I'm having a whale of a time at work but I fear I might breakdown if i don't get 2 weeks soon. Sad part is I'm not due for a vacation....Shyt. 


Now this post is very incoherent. Even I am having some trouble understanding the shyt i'm writing
:(

I should just stop...


I'll still work on that audioblog...God help :s



--
xx

knock, knock...

Hi Hi..

I know you haven't given up on me yet.

Or have you...?

Quite a lot has happened since the last time we intercoursed...

My life flashed before my eyes a few times in the last 2 months. I'm healthy now. Thank God who's been totally awesome to such an awful sinner. I'm seriously working at my relationship with HIM. It's looking good.


So...Long story short:

The door of my friend's truck somehow managed to hit my knee. 'Twas throbbing like hell and we were off to attend a wedding. My friend's son offered me a tablet of Tramadol. (yeah. my friend's 54...I'm geriatric like that...lol) I totally forgot that I hadn't eaten a thing and Tramadol was bad on an empty stomach.

Let's just say that 30 minutes into the reception, I saw black. I couldn't breathe. I was shaking like a leaf in mid-december.

Let's just say again that for 4 weeks after that, I would walk the distance between my bed and the refrigerator and be out of breath.

Yeah.

I thought I was gonna die. I wouldn't sleep alone. Sometimes, I wouldn't sleep at all for fear of waking up dead. lol

Well, iHere. Thank God.


First world pains, if you ask me, Because, when I remember those that died in the plane crash in Lagos...the ones who were killed in their churches by the boko haram...the ones who have died today in the Kaduna clashes, I calm the heck down and i ask you to as well.

It could've been me or mine...hacked down so violently...This temple of blood, bone and muscle...brought down by a big wrecking ball without warning.

All their plans and projections, enriching the shallow graves which some of them who may not be identified because of the shitty country we live in, may now have to end up in.

I wake up everyday, lucky to be alive.

When I pray, I pray for this impending implosion called Nigeria..I pray for the puppeteers. May they not have first hand knowledge of the original "Operation Wrath Of God." 

Ask Pharaoh.


Sigh.


Stay well, y'all.

Till I crawl out again.

Hopefully, soon.

-
xx

I Quit: How much is enough?

The first time I saw this scene in the movie, I thought "Fantastic Camera Angle"...Seeing it again at the weekend...hit me like a sack of rotten potatoes.

The picture came from a scene in the Bollywood Blockbuster, Three Idiots. 
The kid killed himself after his teacher told him (and others) he was a failure.

He was dead long before his schoolmates found him.


*******************************************************************
About two months ago, a man walked into the radio station where I work to say he was on the verge of killing himself but didn't have the courage to. So he did things that would ensure he'd die soon...or be killed. Reason: His wife cheated on him and eventually broke diplomatic relations with him.

He has 3 kids who adore him by the way...

 *******************************************************************

I'm sorry for taking you down Morbido Crescent...I just heard that someone I knew from way back, someone about my age, OD'ed on sleeping pills. She didn't leave a note but she left cryptic messages on her Facebook wall...family requested an autopsy.

She had HIV.

At some point, I was obsessed with the idea of Suicide (No. Not I. Just the 'why's) I read on one of them suicide fora that "Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."

Really, HOW do you get to that point where you decide to end your life?
How much more baggage can one pile on before they collapse into the doldrums of self pity/loathing and surrender their neck to the noose?

I assume people turn to suicide because they desperately need relief from some kind of pain/emotional discomfort. Of what use is relief if you are dead? You have to be alive to feel the burden lift, no?

I'm not about to say she was weak. Or wicked. Or selfish. Or that whatever reason she had wasn't cogent.
I'm thinking these things though.

However, I can't shake off the thought that maybe she didn't want to die. I don't know. I've felt like a shit hole a few times but I've never wanted to kill myself so I don't know...maybe she wanted someone to help her...


It's just so disconcerting...

Let’s play catch up – Part II

This is good.

I’m actually here writing more rubbish barely 72 hours since my last post.

I could get used to this yo.

I could actually start writing sense.

With the gobbeldygook going on in my head right now, I hope this post is coherent in the end.

***********************************************************************

 

So i’ve been doing a lot of introspectin’ lately.

See, growing up, I had plans for my life...You know...how i thought my life should pan out. I wanted to be a rapper and an electrical engineer...my dad squashed that. “Nooo. Electrical engineering’s too tasking for women. Why don't you study PetroChem Engineering or something...” But i was too rebellious to go that way so i chose something else: Food Science and Technology. My dad almost had a minor coronary. He couldn’t do zilch though because he was far away in Europe. Lol. Gave me time and space to pursue my insanity with gusto. (The rapper bit died of natural causes by the way :~I)

When I became legal (Read: 18) I had it all worked out...fairytale style.

23:  good job,  good man (mmm hmm), my own home...

30: a second masters degree. All the trappings of a comfy life.

Looked damn good on paper...implementation though...sigh...

Anyway, all eez wvell in ze job and home department...My job gets more interesting by the day (not without it’s challenges but i wasn’t promised a rose garden :)) and My home should be ready in two months. (I hope, for his own sake, the caretaker ain't lying cos imma whup his bleck behind to Okija and back!) I cant wait...I’ve commissioned bookshelves already!

I’m currently working towards my first Masters degree. It feels like I’ve been going round in circles only to end up where i started...Where I always wanted to be. I just know i had to do that mulberry bush dance...some sort of preparation for today.  Yeah, GOD had other plans so i ain't complainin’.  I couldn't have pursued a masters degree in Lagos, not with the monster schedule i was operating on. Not on that salary...so it’s just as well.

As for the “good man” department...Things have been a li’l rocky recently (Currently between men . Nothing to tell jare...Don’t h-alz me :s) cos ~Good man~ in my own peculiar context means a man who’ll accept me, my career, my dog and my numerous frailties. So far, i haven’t been very successful.

Let’s not gerrit twixted, There are men. They all start off not minding that i’m independent and then end up in a beautiful dead end street called “resentment”.

They all commit a fundamental error: They try to change me.

I don’t think that’s entirely fair. I’m not trying to change you, why try changing me? To mold me into your idea of what “your” woman should be? I don't get it. I thought the expression was “warts and all”. I mean, i accept AND accommodate all your friends...dumb, smart, fat, lean and hungry...I even accept your PS3 and xBox...I don’t even rib you for not enjoying footie or for worse: being a die hard Chelsea F.Shit fan. Damn I hate chelsea! But I accept your STOOOPID blue jersey...and these are just trifling matters...aaaaargh! I’m done. Fin.

I just can’t with men. I’m not even fighting it. I’m still trying to understand womynfolk. Don’t add to my course load.

tsk tsk.

It doesn't help that my aunt expects me to announce a boyfriend everytime she calls. My mom’s just worse. I told her the last time the “M” topic reared it’s...head, “I will be found. If I’m not found at 50, then it wasn’t meant to be. Not all of us are called to marry you know..”

She cried.

I’m not trying to kill her, really. I just think i should be allowed to decide to plunge or not plunge and who to plunge with...myself. At my pace. No be me go follow the man dey de house? Abi dem wan follow me chop konkiri when time reach? Divorce isn’t an option for me therefore, i wanna take my precious time and do it right. There’s no one to blame but meself if shit gets constipated.

Things have not been all round awesome, but on the whole, I’m happy.

Absolutely thankful.

I’m not there yet but I sure as heck ain't where I was yesterday.

--

XX

p.s

I have this overwhelming urge to teach. Something keeps telling me I’m cut out to teach.
I thought i hated teaching.

Sigh...

I don’t know what I’ll be teaching but I know I’ll be teaching by the time I’m 40.

p.p.s

I'm currently in the process of making an outfit. Haven't made one in months!! I'm excited. Off to do some "Sura the Tailor" duties. If it turns out right, I might show y'all ;-)

Err...one more thing...no edito. Kindly dot the 'i's and cross the 't's. Be thine sisthren's keeper ;-)

 *********************************************************************

***Where do i get these ridiculously long posts from????***