"Of the thirty-six ways of avoiding disaster, running away is always best." - Anon
I usually (Okay, I at least try to...) write things that have touched my heart, caught my eye, held my attention, left my mind wandering, my heart longing and my body in spasms...left me gasping for air...sometimes in anger at others and other times in self-chastisement.
There are certain things in life that are better off unknown....things I wish I'd never asked, never saw, never heard or never even felt. These can't labelled "regrets"
Naah...Never in my case.
The things that lie deepest in our hearts are really the hardest to say....half the time, these are things that need to be said. For clarity...Sanity even.
A word that may aptly describe me right about now would be that moody and listless...lethargic (Maybe?) this thing in my mind that won't let go...this feeling of...I can't quite put it together...looks like loneliness...it never quite leaves me....Well, it leaves and then comes back...it just stays inside me.
Trust me I've tried expunging...and don't get it twisted: Isolation doesn't bother me at all...Being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. You can be with people and still be lonely: I've achieved it several times...effortlessly too.
One moment, I'm quiet and still...Next thing, I'm bubbly. One moment I'm laughing my gonads sore and the next my tear ducts seem to kick into maximum overdrive without consulting me...I'm probably the most cynical and pragmatic yet positive type person I know and When I love, I love without reservation, without question but with both feet on the ground...Pragmatist.
The flip-side is, when I walk, you and everything you represent are dead to me. Too sensitive. I don't know any other way to handle hurt than to walk away. I'm cowardly like that. Besides, tis better to end than to mend.
I have been hurt and I (May) have hurt but I am aware that I have so much still to learn...about life...and love...
I can decide how I spend my time, with whom I interact, whom I share my time, my body...my life. I can choose what I can read and eat and how I'm going to regard and deal with my life as i know it.
I know I'm responsible for my actions. I know what I want and I do not want to be bound to any ideology. I know that I can determine my own fate and keep myself grounded and focus because I can't let God....or myself down. So I guess I owe it to myself to pull me off Le Depresso Boulevard.
This has gone on long enough...but I know I will be fine.
I seem to have forgotten the direction I wanted this post to go....Hence the title...This is to hoping that you'll make some sense out of this....ramble...
Forgive me. Service is temporarily overloaded.