Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Chei! I don suffer! Notin wen Aee no go see o for this my small life wen I neva even begin! 
Imagine, after a hard day's job, crisis management and all, after standing at d bus stop for
almost half an hour waiting 4 a bike, after being stopped about thrice by d goddam police for you-know-what, after all that crap plus the most obnoxious bike man ever, i dey try cross road o to get a bike to
finally take me to my abode, na im person just grab my hand! I turned around to give the kain somborri a duurty slap, eh! The guy said to me "you want to kill urself?" He said it at the nick of time as my fine black ass would've been dog food today! Ok. So i forgave the blighter his transgresssion only for him to cross the Ona with me and proceed to ask me the most pertinent question  In his truncated left mind ofcourse!  
Which way arre you headed?
 I'm staring at my knight in shining armour, aghast, like waddafuggs! Am i supposed to give you my itinery just cos you saved my ass from being scraped off an Eko road? 
It's not important. I answered.
Why i'm still having this convo, i have absolutely no inkling. I'm bizzy minding my goddam bizness, the blighter who either is seriously visually impaired that he couldn't see my body lingo or he was just a dim-wit because he went on to say to me  
"I want to know you more better."
Chei! A ta m otu agwo! (You really want the translo to that??)
In short, Kin se ejo e, ejo Daddy mi ni! (it's not your fault, it's my daddy's!)
If he had not vehemently refused that i put an "L" sign on his car, i wouldn't be here listening to this bondubo... i was so peeved that i burst into laughter. Racking laughter. 
A mixture of hunger cos of my new weight loss regime, Angst for lagos and the oh-so-mad living, Ire at my Daddy for promising to teach me how to frigging drive then leave me at the mercy of a driving school that i have now no time for considering my Crazy-Ass hours at work, and then more!
I just laughed. You should try it. Fecking therapeutic. 
Well, the maga just standa for there asking me stupid ass questions. Saying stupidER-ass things like:
"What did i do that you don't like me?"
"I can be your best friend tomorrow o!"
Dagger-ass stare-down.
"Efen if we don't marry oursef, we can still be friend."
E be like say madness dey dis man family o! Wetin consain agbero with Overload?? So in my typical don't-waste-time fashion, i say to the...i don run out of adjectives. Anyhoos, i say to  the man (Note: Man) 
"I don't want to be friends with you."
Why am i still having this convo? I wonderment my sef.
(Really worried look on the puppy's face) 
"What did i do? "
"Please, i want to be your friend!"
"i respect you more than what you respect yourself." 
"ok. where are you going? I can drop you."
Like a big wrecking ball, eh?
He proceeds to touch me... 
the look i give him says I have the propensity and proclivity to commit YOUcide right now!!
"Ok. What is the time?"
This dude has got this big ass time piece, i can see it!
"Baby, what did i do? What should i do to make you like me?"
I don't smell alchy. 
Deduction: This nigguh crazy! Help!
"eh, baby? What should i do?"
I wanted to say Die! Die! Die! Die! But it's against my religion so i said instead
The guy practically ran to his Mutor, kia kia! Not even a backward glance! I finally got me a bike to take me home only for me to get to a "porice shekpoint" and get detained for travelling at a "late hour". The late hour being 10:10p.m. Na im i burst laff, the idiot had the temerity to ask what i was "laving" at! 
Oburo okwu gi, o wu okwu daddy m! (it's not your fault, it's my daddy's) 
They "collected" from the Okada rider sha! After all that drama, i get home and darkness...ok...rechargable lamps greet me.
Me: What happened to the Genny?
Brov: It's not starting, i dunno...I tried...
After everything???? 
When will these dim-witted nit wits fecking lightupnigeria????

Did i mention that Miz T.'s Preggers? If i catch that wretched Mutt that put my lovely mutt in the family way, hmmmm...

1 comment:

seye said...

MEN! MEN! Why are men like this! na wa o