The Bitter Truth...or so

Do you notice how we sometimes convince ourselves that that person is interested in us, when in reality they haven't noticed us? You know how there's always the disappointment when it dawns on you that they're completely unaware of your existence..In that way? That you've been ZONED....and not just friend-zoned...I hear people are being Dog-zoned :|

You know what's worse? When they tell you...In words or even deeds.

Just like you, (Yes you) I've been led to believe (by my mind...) that me and this person have a special relationship...and that somehow things mean more between us than they do...Then ((((((BOOOOOOOM!!!!!))))))) As always (maybe not always) He brings me back to earth. I crash land. Then it hits me:

HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU.

The funny thing is, I know how to move on fast. Doesn't mean I wasn't into the person or anything...it just means that I'm built like that. I'm a natural born racer. For racers, physically moving on is a given. It's something we do instinctively. 


The trigger for this post happened 2 nights ago when I got of the phone with one of my closest friends...Let's call him X (It's just a loan...There's only one X :D) In the beginning, remember how people thought we were an item way back.

I remember how we'd hang out at my house (...and give my uncle's ulcers :D)...or at the cybercafe his family ran a few houses from mine...or just walking almost every evening...sharing feelings and true intentions...for our future.....separately. I knew his girlfriend. I was his shoulder they broke up. I was the go between when he was pining for my friend...

I remember my 18th birthday, X took me to a music store and bought me 18CDs...he said each one was for each year...And the day i told him I thought his denims were a beaty, he took me to where he got em and got me a copy (Yah...Tomboy and shiii. Don't Judge Me.) I was his TOMMY and he was my....well, girlfriend.

We were best friends. We had the same interests.

Music. Computer games. Movies. Books.

He called me his brother....And i called him my sister (loool) It was me he told when he landed a job in one of the multinational food coys. It was him I told when I got my first kiss.

Those were the days...what we shared was profound and life made total sense...until one day.

He'd just redone his apartment (to which I had a key :|) and since I was on holiday, I went a-visiting (If you read this, Chicken, yeah, ah sed it. A-visiting :p) and there he was playing a video game with his cousin. There, also, draped on one the sofas, was a mutual friend (whom we'd yabbed wellllllll) whom he later told me was his girlfriend. I'm like "duuuuuuuuuude! HERRRR????? You can do better nahhh."

I found out later that it wasn't about the girl...I found out that i was actually screaming at the top of my lungs....in my head of course: "duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!!!! I DEY INVISIBLE????"

The thought gnawed at me through out that week and so in one stupid unguarded moment, i sent him an SMS.

It said: "I'm cutting the bullshit and I'm going straight to the point. The way I like you now? There's nothing sisterly about it. I'm not telling you this so that we start a relationship or anything. I just thought you should know."

Shet. Who does that??

I remember that day with a shudder. lol. The moment I pressed send, I called my sister and told her. She said. "Shit." Ya, my thoughts precisely.

He replied my SMS.

Yuop Youp.

"OK."

That's what i got.

Me said: Yah. An 8 year relationship and this is how you botch it.


We didnt speak to each other for 1 Year. One day, out of nowhere, his number appeared on my phone. He was calling. We just talked like nothing happened and the SMS was just a figment of my imagination and that the 1 year hiatus was just me, paranoid.

We resumed our friendship with him introducing me as his female brother and us trading war stories et al...Yeah...War stories....I guess we figured things out within the time frame...I guess all conflicts come together in the end.



4 years after that, I think I did it again.

I met someone last year. I believe i talked about it here at some point. We clicked. We talked about everything. EVERYTHING. For me that's the ultimate turn on. mmmmm hmmmm...we'd be on the phone for eons...our BBM conversations were never ending.
We were friends...and I have few of those.
(My definition: A friend is he with whom you can think aloud.)


One day, I was going on set and there was no telling when i'd be out so i told him to send me something nice...Something i'd see when I got of work. The man sent me the most beautiful note i'd ever recieved (via BBM ofkes) That did me...then I had to relocate to another state to work. Let's just I got friend-zoned.

I guess LDRs aren't everybody's thing. (i really wanted to add "lol" back there...) Leaves me wondering though...did I dream it all up? Maybe I did...Maybe I was the one floating all along in a fantasy land believing that deep down we get each other, need each other...had each other. I saw a connection and meaning in places where they probably didn't exist.

I was probably living out a dream that I probably created in my head...nothing more than an illusion.



LMBBAAO.



What a doofus.


What?

Not me.
The girl who keeps falling for your kind.
Yeah, You.
I know you'll read this.
When you do, I want you yo know that...I wish nothing but the best for you.


--
xx




Damn....I should've known. He thinks Elvis and The Beatles are a pile of crap. Oh well...
I'm done. Twice is enough, don't you think?

Error 502...

"Of the thirty-six ways of avoiding disaster, running away is always best." - Anon

I usually (Okay, I at least try to...) write things that have touched my heart, caught my eye, held my attention, left my mind wandering, my heart longing and my body in spasms...left me gasping for air...sometimes in anger at others and other times in self-chastisement.

There are certain things in life that are better off unknown....things I wish I'd never asked, never saw, never heard or never even felt. These can't labelled "regrets"

Naah...Never in my case.

sigh

The things that lie deepest in our hearts are really the hardest to say....half the time, these are things that need to be said. For clarity...Sanity even.

wistful sigh.

A word that may aptly describe me right about now would be that moody and listless...lethargic (Maybe?) this thing in my mind that won't let go...this feeling of...I can't quite put it together...looks like loneliness...it never quite leaves me....Well, it leaves and then comes back...it just stays inside me.

Trust me I've tried expunging...and don't get it twisted: Isolation doesn't bother me at all...Being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. You can be with people and still be lonely: I've achieved it several times...effortlessly too.

My days..

One moment, I'm quiet and still...Next thing, I'm bubbly. One moment I'm laughing my gonads sore and the next my tear ducts seem to kick into maximum overdrive without consulting me...I'm probably the most cynical and pragmatic yet positive type person I know and When I love, I love without reservation, without question but with both feet on the ground...Pragmatist.

The flip-side is, when I walk, you and everything you represent are dead to me. Too sensitive. I don't know any other way to handle hurt than to walk away. I'm cowardly like that. Besides, tis better to end than to mend.

I have been hurt and I (May) have hurt but I am aware that I have so much still to learn...about life...and love...

sigh

I can decide how I spend my time, with whom I interact, whom I share my time, my body...my life. I can choose what I can read and eat and how I'm going to regard and deal with my life as i know it.

I know I'm responsible for my actions. I know what I want and I do not want to be bound to any ideology. I know that I can determine my own fate and keep myself grounded and focus because I can't let God....or myself down. So I guess I owe it to myself to pull me off Le Depresso Boulevard.  

This has gone on long enough...but I know I will be fine.




--
XX


P.S.
I seem to have forgotten the direction I wanted this post to go....Hence the title...This is to hoping that you'll make some sense out of this....ramble...

Forgive me. Service is temporarily overloaded. 



Cheers



xx

....iary

Ok so i've been toying with the idea of doing a post.

seriously....I have witnesses.

Started an audioblog. No show.
Planned a vlog sef. No dice.
I get home every evening and power my laptop and will my self to write something. Anything.

Nothing.

I just don't understand this love-hate relationship between  my brain and my body. They can't seem to reach an agreement on working terms....You know? Terms of working together...Shyt.

I just wanted to write something. Is that too much to ask?

sigh

Living has been bitter-sweet. Work's been alright. A few changes in my usually relaxed schedule. I used to resume at about 3pm and knock off at midnight. Now I have extra On-Air hours. Annoying shyt but manageable.

Another curious thing: The feet are already itching to...conquer new frontiers.
I'm still praying for direction.
I hope I find one soon.

There's so much to write about...I just need my processors (read: Brain) working properly. They're not working optimally.

Someone thinks I need a vacation.
You know, I haven't had a vacation in 4 years. I left a job and walked right into another. No time in between. Whacky shyt huh? And now, my day off is no longer sufficient. Serious third world issue.

Don't get it twixxtid: I'm having a whale of a time at work but I fear I might breakdown if i don't get 2 weeks soon. Sad part is I'm not due for a vacation....Shyt. 


Now this post is very incoherent. Even I am having some trouble understanding the shyt i'm writing
:(

I should just stop...


I'll still work on that audioblog...God help :s



--
xx

knock, knock...

Hi Hi..

I know you haven't given up on me yet.

Or have you...?

Quite a lot has happened since the last time we intercoursed...

My life flashed before my eyes a few times in the last 2 months. I'm healthy now. Thank God who's been totally awesome to such an awful sinner. I'm seriously working at my relationship with HIM. It's looking good.


So...Long story short:

The door of my friend's truck somehow managed to hit my knee. 'Twas throbbing like hell and we were off to attend a wedding. My friend's son offered me a tablet of Tramadol. (yeah. my friend's 54...I'm geriatric like that...lol) I totally forgot that I hadn't eaten a thing and Tramadol was bad on an empty stomach.

Let's just say that 30 minutes into the reception, I saw black. I couldn't breathe. I was shaking like a leaf in mid-december.

Let's just say again that for 4 weeks after that, I would walk the distance between my bed and the refrigerator and be out of breath.

Yeah.

I thought I was gonna die. I wouldn't sleep alone. Sometimes, I wouldn't sleep at all for fear of waking up dead. lol

Well, iHere. Thank God.


First world pains, if you ask me, Because, when I remember those that died in the plane crash in Lagos...the ones who were killed in their churches by the boko haram...the ones who have died today in the Kaduna clashes, I calm the heck down and i ask you to as well.

It could've been me or mine...hacked down so violently...This temple of blood, bone and muscle...brought down by a big wrecking ball without warning.

All their plans and projections, enriching the shallow graves which some of them who may not be identified because of the shitty country we live in, may now have to end up in.

I wake up everyday, lucky to be alive.

When I pray, I pray for this impending implosion called Nigeria..I pray for the puppeteers. May they not have first hand knowledge of the original "Operation Wrath Of God." 

Ask Pharaoh.


Sigh.


Stay well, y'all.

Till I crawl out again.

Hopefully, soon.

-
xx

I Quit: How much is enough?

The first time I saw this scene in the movie, I thought "Fantastic Camera Angle"...Seeing it again at the weekend...hit me like a sack of rotten potatoes.

The picture came from a scene in the Bollywood Blockbuster, Three Idiots. 
The kid killed himself after his teacher told him (and others) he was a failure.

He was dead long before his schoolmates found him.


*******************************************************************
About two months ago, a man walked into the radio station where I work to say he was on the verge of killing himself but didn't have the courage to. So he did things that would ensure he'd die soon...or be killed. Reason: His wife cheated on him and eventually broke diplomatic relations with him.

He has 3 kids who adore him by the way...

 *******************************************************************

I'm sorry for taking you down Morbido Crescent...I just heard that someone I knew from way back, someone about my age, OD'ed on sleeping pills. She didn't leave a note but she left cryptic messages on her Facebook wall...family requested an autopsy.

She had HIV.

At some point, I was obsessed with the idea of Suicide (No. Not I. Just the 'why's) I read on one of them suicide fora that "Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."

Really, HOW do you get to that point where you decide to end your life?
How much more baggage can one pile on before they collapse into the doldrums of self pity/loathing and surrender their neck to the noose?

I assume people turn to suicide because they desperately need relief from some kind of pain/emotional discomfort. Of what use is relief if you are dead? You have to be alive to feel the burden lift, no?

I'm not about to say she was weak. Or wicked. Or selfish. Or that whatever reason she had wasn't cogent.
I'm thinking these things though.

However, I can't shake off the thought that maybe she didn't want to die. I don't know. I've felt like a shit hole a few times but I've never wanted to kill myself so I don't know...maybe she wanted someone to help her...


It's just so disconcerting...

Let’s play catch up – Part II

This is good.

I’m actually here writing more rubbish barely 72 hours since my last post.

I could get used to this yo.

I could actually start writing sense.

With the gobbeldygook going on in my head right now, I hope this post is coherent in the end.

***********************************************************************

 

So i’ve been doing a lot of introspectin’ lately.

See, growing up, I had plans for my life...You know...how i thought my life should pan out. I wanted to be a rapper and an electrical engineer...my dad squashed that. “Nooo. Electrical engineering’s too tasking for women. Why don't you study PetroChem Engineering or something...” But i was too rebellious to go that way so i chose something else: Food Science and Technology. My dad almost had a minor coronary. He couldn’t do zilch though because he was far away in Europe. Lol. Gave me time and space to pursue my insanity with gusto. (The rapper bit died of natural causes by the way :~I)

When I became legal (Read: 18) I had it all worked out...fairytale style.

23:  good job,  good man (mmm hmm), my own home...

30: a second masters degree. All the trappings of a comfy life.

Looked damn good on paper...implementation though...sigh...

Anyway, all eez wvell in ze job and home department...My job gets more interesting by the day (not without it’s challenges but i wasn’t promised a rose garden :)) and My home should be ready in two months. (I hope, for his own sake, the caretaker ain't lying cos imma whup his bleck behind to Okija and back!) I cant wait...I’ve commissioned bookshelves already!

I’m currently working towards my first Masters degree. It feels like I’ve been going round in circles only to end up where i started...Where I always wanted to be. I just know i had to do that mulberry bush dance...some sort of preparation for today.  Yeah, GOD had other plans so i ain't complainin’.  I couldn't have pursued a masters degree in Lagos, not with the monster schedule i was operating on. Not on that salary...so it’s just as well.

As for the “good man” department...Things have been a li’l rocky recently (Currently between men . Nothing to tell jare...Don’t h-alz me :s) cos ~Good man~ in my own peculiar context means a man who’ll accept me, my career, my dog and my numerous frailties. So far, i haven’t been very successful.

Let’s not gerrit twixted, There are men. They all start off not minding that i’m independent and then end up in a beautiful dead end street called “resentment”.

They all commit a fundamental error: They try to change me.

I don’t think that’s entirely fair. I’m not trying to change you, why try changing me? To mold me into your idea of what “your” woman should be? I don't get it. I thought the expression was “warts and all”. I mean, i accept AND accommodate all your friends...dumb, smart, fat, lean and hungry...I even accept your PS3 and xBox...I don’t even rib you for not enjoying footie or for worse: being a die hard Chelsea F.Shit fan. Damn I hate chelsea! But I accept your STOOOPID blue jersey...and these are just trifling matters...aaaaargh! I’m done. Fin.

I just can’t with men. I’m not even fighting it. I’m still trying to understand womynfolk. Don’t add to my course load.

tsk tsk.

It doesn't help that my aunt expects me to announce a boyfriend everytime she calls. My mom’s just worse. I told her the last time the “M” topic reared it’s...head, “I will be found. If I’m not found at 50, then it wasn’t meant to be. Not all of us are called to marry you know..”

She cried.

I’m not trying to kill her, really. I just think i should be allowed to decide to plunge or not plunge and who to plunge with...myself. At my pace. No be me go follow the man dey de house? Abi dem wan follow me chop konkiri when time reach? Divorce isn’t an option for me therefore, i wanna take my precious time and do it right. There’s no one to blame but meself if shit gets constipated.

Things have not been all round awesome, but on the whole, I’m happy.

Absolutely thankful.

I’m not there yet but I sure as heck ain't where I was yesterday.

--

XX

p.s

I have this overwhelming urge to teach. Something keeps telling me I’m cut out to teach.
I thought i hated teaching.

Sigh...

I don’t know what I’ll be teaching but I know I’ll be teaching by the time I’m 40.

p.p.s

I'm currently in the process of making an outfit. Haven't made one in months!! I'm excited. Off to do some "Sura the Tailor" duties. If it turns out right, I might show y'all ;-)

Err...one more thing...no edito. Kindly dot the 'i's and cross the 't's. Be thine sisthren's keeper ;-)

 *********************************************************************

***Where do i get these ridiculously long posts from????***

Let’s play catch up – Part I

Finally.

A post.

Its been a while. Actually, 5 back-for-good-posts long ago.

Lots going on. So much actually. Sometimes, I think too much then I remember the people who were killed in all the uprisings and the Boko Haram fiasco and i just say to myself: CHILL THE h-EFF OUT.

That does it, basically :) 

Everyday, in the last few months, i’ve woken up with “Imma blog today” on my mind. I open the “New Post” page and stare blankly at it like it were some strange thing from space.

I started out the 30 day challenge. I tried...boy did i try...God knows i wanted to finsh it. All 30 days. Unfortunately, I didn't get past day 5...Sad story.

I toyed with the idea of writing for other people...Okay i actually did write a couple but I just wasn’t “feeling” anything i wrote. I tried writing down titles hoping that I would go back and flesh them out.

Zilch.

I tried just writing without a particular beginning, middle and end in mind...You know, a story crops up in my head and I start to write from no particular angle then something happens and I abandon it and....fill in the missing words.

Sigh.

At this moment, i have a hoard of titles and oodles of unfinished projects...and little or no hope...for reasons I can’t tell...I just know lethargy's one of them.

One reason this blog hasn't closed is that I have reason to believe, on the basis of the reason I started the blog in the first place, that i’ll eventually write here at some point...I very nearly shut down last month.  

Life otherwise has been pretty much the same. I still love my Job. I still Work, Work, Work. Brain shuts off at some point. Diminishing returns. Attempts to relax by watching movies are confronted full-frontally by a migraines and smarting eyes (like now). Then i work, work, work again. Then I shut down at midnight. Then the circle comes back around.

On footie nights, i get an extra headache analyzing and giving coaching advice from the front of the tube.

I haven’t been tweeting...much.

That’s a feat.

But! I’ve been reading a lot.

Some satirical. Some witty. Some downright clinically serious.

Dave Barry’s naked Insanity.

More Insanity George Carlin’s cache of Insanely insanes.

Erma Bombeck’s absolutely Loca_Loca_Loca writing.

Cindy Chupack’s sexual sorbets and other therapies...

Sigh

It’s my wish to take a few minutes after getting through every book I read from now (ANY BOOK) and blog about it - so that it keeps the blog rolling...you know a little memento of the book...to help me recollect and...reflect...sometimes.

Let us all hope that the idea doesn’t end up in my head...and on here and that I actually go through with it.

I know I can.

Right?

Oh and I spent the last few hours trying to figure out why I dont have a bucket list and why I haven’t traveled in eons. I came to the conclusion that Le Bucket List can wait some but this chica gats travel...soon!

Brazil is already covered. 2014. World Cup. YIPPEEE!

Prayer point: May the spirits that kept me away from SA take another route. Amen.

India’s on the list. France is too. Malta...for no apparent reason. Greece would’ve been but for their issues. A few random places. I’ll probably meet some dude who no speak engleeesh and ride into the sunset in his Black 1966 Ford Mustang Convertible (Red Interior) which he bought in honour of our first date...

Hmmm. Sounds like fun now that I see it in black and white...That’s it. Those romance novels have to bounce.

More rubbish in Part II. Have to buzz off to work now.

--

XX

p.s.

I know there is a lot of incoherence happening on this here...rambly narrative.

I’m trying to live with it.

p.p.s

Thanks y’all :)

At times like this here present one, i have to consciously remind myself that I'm just 28.something and "every" thing...will be A-Okay.

I know i'm right.

I know.

Apparent Agoraphobia...or something like it...

i know i can.

yes i can.

i can actually do this...come out here, that is.

i'll be back shortly.

Guide's honour.

iHere

(Moves cobwebs gently...Lovingly even)

Yeah. No use clearing them since i'm not sure i wont be on another 3-month "break" after this...sigh...At least there'll be someone/something keeping the space bizzy.

How're y'all doing? Oh. I'm good. Listless at this moment but good, generally...Not complaining aloud...Yet. LoL.

I've been around...New job. remember? Yeah. Relocated to a small town across the Niger...Love it here. I actually see squirrels and hear bush fowls...I hear they have very healthy snakes here too. (Dear Lord, Please keep them away from me. Amen.)

Work is fun. Yeah. It's attendant politics and Polemics ever present. I love it. It's what i was made to do. Doesn't feel like work...Monetizing a hobby....LOVE IT! Did i say that already? Ok.

Like play, the year has ended...Gon' put up the Christmas decor at the office tomorrow evening...woopwoop! I haven't the foggiest why i'm excited about Christmas this year...There's this tingle in my spine...Oh i know. Someone's coming to dinner :D :D

...and it's officially 15days to my birthday...wowzers! Gon' be 28 on the 28th :D :D Maybe i'll have (who now???) Sing to me...John Mayer perhaps (Crickets, Fat Crickets) Naaah...On my wishlist is a Tab. An Apple, A berry, A fire...Any will work, Thank you. God bless you. Yes You! If you dont buy it for me, it means i have to by it for myself :( Wont you rather I got some lovely clothes and gorgeous booties with all that money? Think about it oh. It's imporrant.

smh...

Is it obvious that i have absolutely nothing going on between my eyes at this moment? In fact, It seems to me that I'm babbling...Don't worry about me...Imma go back to work now...I'll have something to say when next I'm here. Guide's Honour.


(Bows out...carefully replacing cobwebs)


--
XX

To have and to hold...

It's been 3 months and 8 days since i last came up here. I know what i promised and it looks like i may be back for good.

A lot has hapened since i was last here. Quit a job. Got back on the Job. Finally QUIT. Too many emotions coursing through my body right now.

Free at last! Yeah. I've not been without work for more than 5 days at a time in the last 33 Months...It's been only 3 days and I already feel the withdrawal symptoms of not having deadlines and shit.

I got up at 5am this morning and remembered I had absolutely nothing to do...Well that is work related. sigh...I have 2 weeks to myself before I get back to working. Yeah. I GOT ANOTHER JOB. Matter of fact: I was supposed to resume in September but i was neck deep into a TV Production.

Moving back to my first love: Radio. Yeah. I'm giving TV a rest for a bit till I've sorted out some degrees and things. You'l hear, You'll hear. I haven't done mainstream radio in 5 years. I'm optimistic.

There. The last 3 months and 8 days in  a few lines.

I'm not promising to post everyday....or every other day. I promise to be as regular as possible. I'm back...For better for worse...

PS: I met a man too..Nope. Not telling. That's a story for another post.

Re-Post: Language Challenge

Hello!!!

Forgive me ;;)

I had no idea the link was screwy. My internet was so faffed over the weekend even tweeting was an issue. I didn't realize. I've fixed it and I assure you it works :D Enjoy:

here: The Challenge: AeedeeAee

Language Challenge: IF YOU LAUGH...

Heyyyy!

I know I've defaulted again. Forgive me. I'm making up for it with this audio track (HERE) of me speaking Igbo in the Sugabelly Language Challenge :D

Enjoy!

--
XOXO

My Name Is AeeDeeAee. I may be a Workaholic...

30 Day Challenge: Day 4


Hey guyss!

How goes it? I just got back from work and it feels like someone's shutting down all the "departments" of my body. I thought I'd post this before the light bulb in my head goes too.

I was faffing around the internet today looking for the perfect picture for my blog masthead design and guess what I found??

*WORKAHOLICS ANONYMOUS*

First thought was "Taaa! Tufia!" "Jump am pass" but my curious kitty took over and I dug in!

*click*

It said it "welcomes newcomers". Then it says to go through a set of 20 questions and "If you answer "yes" to three or more of these questions you may be a workaholic. Relax. You are not alone. ."
Relax??? Hia! Ok. How Do I Know if I'm a Workaholic? There was only one way to find out. Take the damn test. So I did. Imma share the results hither.

Please find below, a representation of my thoughts/answers at the time (and now):

1. Do you get more excited about your work than about family or anything else?
Answer: Sadly, Sometimes.

2. Are there times when you can charge through your work and other times when you can't?
Answer: Yes.

3. Do you take work with you to bed? On weekends? On vacation?
Answer: Yes *sigh*

4. Is work the activity you like to do best and talk about most?
Answer: Not Really...No.

5. Do you work more than 40 hours a week?
Answer: I work 10 - 16 hours, 6 - 7 days a week. Go figure. *wails*

6. Do you turn your hobbies into money-making ventures?
Answer: All my hobbies are my money makers. Hell, My current job came from a hobby.

7. Do you take complete responsibility for the outcome of your work efforts?
Answer: Sometimes, Yes.

8. Have your family or friends given up expecting you on time?
Answer: Yes. A loooong time ago.

9. Do you take on extra work because you are concerned that it won't otherwise get done?
Answer: *grits teeth* yesss.

10. Do you underestimate how long a project will take and then rush to complete it?
Answer: *insert hysterics* hell yeah. One of the reasons I left the office late today, again.

11. Do you believe that it is okay to work long hours if you love what you are doing?
Answer: yes. but it's true, no?

12. Do you get impatient with people who have other priorities besides work?
Answer: Used to...I changed.

13. Are you afraid that if you don't work hard you will lose your job or be a failure?
Answer: NO. Never how hard. I learnt early

14. Is the future a constant worry for you even when things are going very well?
Answer: well...No.

15. Do you do things energetically and competitively including play?
Answer: Uh_mm...Yes.

16. Do you get irritated when people ask you to stop doing your work in order to do something else?
Answer: not anymore.

17. Have your long hours hurt your family or other relationships?
Answer: my boyfriend...my family...my friends...Yes.

18. Do you think about your work while driving, falling asleep or when others are talking?
Answer: Used to a lot...have reduced some.

19. Do you work or read during meals?
Answer: Everyday.

20. Do you believe that more money will solve the other problems in your life?
Answer: Naaah.

*wistful sigh*

So what d'you think? Am I a workaholic?


Err...no need. I'm looking for an online meeting.


--
XOXO


P.S.

Some amazing shit!

Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Mother Nature and all her friends

Day 3:

I'm lying in my bed. PHCN has held on to power so there's none. I'm here listening to the drone of my neighbor's genny, bikes and cars going by and yeah, the occasional aeroplane.

I'm listening hard to hear the crickets and other creatures that would naturally get busy at this time.
I hear none.

Growing up, I didn't have to look out for chirping birds early in the morning.
Cocks crowed as at when due.
Frogs croaked when it rained.
Crickets went about their business at nights
and the fireflies...they were ever present.

I don't remember the last time I saw ladybirds. I used to love comparing their patterns.
I doubt that I will recognise the scent of greenery if I perceived it.

I really should move to the country...

--
XOXO






Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

It's not just your life dammit!

Whatever I set out to write about today just got dumped onto the dung hills of inconsequential insignificant unimportant stuff. (yes! I'm allowed to say that. I'm miffed.)

I don't even remember who or what I was gonna write about before I logged on to tweet some random bullshit and heard some chick killed herself. Hung herself.

Now I've heard two stories.

Story 1: she was engaged to be married to some dude, she had a condition that entailed her having surgery which led to her losing the ability to have children EVER. (I got this via a DM)

Story 2: she was having an affair with a married dude. Wife found out and raised hell. Hubby scampers. She got dumped. (Read on a blog. The blog post has been removed though.)

Both stories ended with "...then she hung herself..."

First of all, Nobody knows how their life was concocted. Nobody has the right to take that which they can not give. Nobody has the right to take another life: self or another. NOBODY. If this view is myopic, so be it.

Secondly, I think anyone who takes their life is not just a coward but a selfish coward. I think anyone who's "courageous" enough to take their life should kindly plan for it, financially and otherwise. How dare anyone cause a turmoil in other people's lives because they couldn't handle their business? If any of those stories are true, she was very unfair to those who now mourn.

That said, it is everyone's duty to look out for everyone because unfortunately, the Nigerian society isn't into counseling and therefore a grave number of mental issues go unnoticed and untreated.

Madonna was a chick I used to know growing up. Her older brother was my friend. I only saw her on holiday. She was a cool girl. Certainly didn't strike me as one who'd kill herself. That was all I remembered of her when I heard 4 years ago that she hung herself after popping an overdose of sleeping pills. She had suffered "Postpartum Psychosis" after birthing a blue baby. No one noticed because NO ONE was watching. The hubby didn't take it seriously till she killed herself.

This case is very obvious: something snapped in her head and nobody took her seriously.

My worry is that these things do not just happen out of the blue. People don't just up and kill self. They usually protest one way or another. The signs are almost always there. I think we should be very aware of the things  going on with the people around us. This is what God meant when he said to be our brother's keeper.

Like @Makxxy said, "We were put on this earth to commune with & help each other. If you lose sm1 on YOUR watch then its on you. What contribution have u made?"




--
XOXO




Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

IB: My what If Tale...

30 day Challenge: Day 1

Sound track for the moment: Let's just kiss and say goodbye.
"I had to meet you here todayyy...there's just so many things to saaaay...Please don't ‎​stp me till I'm throuuugh..."
Well this was the song that was playing in my head while IB toyed with my ring finger
I pulled my hand away. Ok. I tried to pull my hand away but he held fast.
"Ok. What did you want to say to me? We've been here for almost an hour and you still haven't told me why you summoned me...what's up babe?"
I couldn't look up at him. Tears had taken permanent residence in my heart all week and now they were opening shop under my eyelids.
"Adaaaaaa"
What I had to say was...well...I had no idea how I wanted to commence the discussion so I said:
"You know we have to stop seeing each other."
His hands tightened around mine. We'd had this discussion about six times already. All of the time at my place or his and we ended up "back at One" after each "break up talk session"
He sighed wistfully.
"I know."

I looked up and let the tears fall freely. I was tired. Tired of holding them back. Tired of the way things were. Tired from lack of sleep. Tired from knowing I had to break up with this man with whom I was in love. Tired of not being able to grasp happiness with this man who was already bound to another.
Yeah. IB was married. No I didn't know he was married when I met him. I didn't know until it was apparent to both of us that something had happened and we had to do something about it fast. So he told me.
Wifey was abroad. Half German-half Nigerian chick. He'd met her while in school in the states and she had been so in love with the idea of "going back home" wanted to practice her igbo and what not. Sadly, she couldn't hold on. Said she couldn't stand Nigeria so she moved back to the USA. after what she described as "3 trying months". Said she was never coming back.
Top/Middle/Bottom line: He was married.
Hmmmmm.
Not in the cards.
Lord. Not in the cards. I was supposed to fall in love with a SINGLE man, get married, have children...DEar God...
I rationalised. I fought self. I cried. I asked the Lord whyyyy?? Why did I have to find love with someone who belonged to another?
I said to self: You Won't. You absolutely can't fall for a married man.
Nah.
I absolutely did. Hook. Line. Sinker. Fisherman.
I wish I could say it was the sex. We never had sex. That was what made it so pure. He would kiss my hands. Palms. Fingers. Forehead.
He'd pick me up from school when I had late lectures. He'd hold my hands when I had bad cramps.
Sigh...
A week before the summons, I had complained of cramps in my ankle. He had, in a moment of madness, kissed my foot after massaging it.
Flustered and very vulnerable, I asked him to leave, for both our sakes. At that point, I knew we had to stop it. Whatever it was.
At this time, I had already applied to stay back in E-town do my internship .
"I'll go to lagos. I'll be out of your hair for six months. I'll understand if you don't call me. I wish things were different, IB. This is reality querido. Your wife exists. We can't pretend she doesn't. Its soo strange...We aren't sleeping with each other but..."
"...we've done much more than that... I know." He interjected drawing circles in my palm "I know...we've bonded in realms beyond sex."
"Exactly que...really should practice not calling you that..." I said as I succeeded in extricating my hands from his.
"Yeah...I knew this day would come. I prayed for a miracle." Wistful sigh. "You don't have to go to Lagos. I'll stay away."
"No. I'll go."
"Can I at least help you pack? Take you to the bus park...please..?" This was classic IB.
"Yes."
Lagos didn't work eventually. I lost two months. I ended up doing just 4 months. In E-town. He was there through it. We stuck to the plan. I buried myself in work. He did same. Stayed away. Bless him.

What we had lasted all of 8 months. My fourth year in Uni. Its been 6 years since the summons. I used to sit and wonder "What if I'd taken what I could at the time?"
In retrospect, I'm glad.
We are great friends. He's moved back to America. He's divorced from Iris. He's met another girl. I hope he finds love. He totally deserves to.
We're content with our phone convos, BBM chats and gtalk chats. We sometimes ruminate on what could have been but I'm glad we have what we have now.

I'm glad I can now tell this story.

--
XOXO




Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

30 DAY CHALLENGE...I SAY AYE!

Hey guys...

(cue tears)

I have no excuse whatsoever...Or let's just say I've run out of excuses...or the unction to give excuses. good thing however is I've been reading...not as much as I would love to but under the circumstances, I hereby pat myself on the back. I'm doing good. Hopefully, I shall read all the books I have amassed in the last 2 years. So help Me God.  

I came across the "30 day challenge on Fashiondivah's blog and it sounds like a great idea.

(cue Middle finger)

Yeah. That's for my muse...for abandoning me this long and making me look fraudulent...even to my self...sigh...

I shall attempt to write for 30 days and this...

...shall be my motivation and my guide...

I may not do it in this sequence, I may not even go by the titles BUT I shall do it!

So help me God.

(the END)

--
XoXo

Once upon a time...

I was just musing...

If you woulda just seen beyond
the stubborn set chin of mine...seen the quivering little girl...

If you woulda just heard beyond the nonchalant "what??"
I would say when you'd asked me if I was avoiding your ass...

If only you didn't always mistake the shrillness in my voice for humour…

If only you'd just looked beyond the rolling of my eyes
when you'd suggest we "go out...anywhere..."

If only you could see the beads of sweat that formed on me skin
whenever you touched my arm to get my attention...
when you'd unknowingly brushed against me…or touched my hair on  your way outta the office...

If only you could hear the flutter of my heart
Whenever you said my name exactly the way I taught you to...

If you woulda just seen that your "highly entertaining, and penetratingly insightful" me
was "utterly and completely" hooked on you…

If you'd known that it was pain I felt whenever your phone rang...at the same time everyday…and when, as always, you'd look at me…and I'd smile and say "ogbeni, go home" because I'd see the caller ID is all over your countenance...

Earth to me.

Your wife.



p.s....
This is mostly my imagination...laced with some of "my Facts" :D. :D









Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Just trying this blogging "on the go" thingy out.

If it works...
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN